5 Tips for Dealing with Narcissistic People

Narcissism is a hot topic, frequently appearing in my social media feed, online discussions, and being brought up by clients. Unfortunately, I often see the term 'narcissist' thrown around and misused, so I want to start by clearing a few things up. There is a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a specific combination of traits that is pervasive across a person’s identity. Research estimates that between 0.5% and 5% of the population meets the criteria for this diagnosis. Most narcissistic people we encounter do not have NPD, but some do. I find it helpful to view narcissism on a spectrum, with NPD on one end and very little to no narcissism on the other. It’s rare to find yourself at either extreme of the spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle.

Regardless of where one falls on this spectrum, there's no denying that narcissistic people can be challenging to get along with. Frustrating qualities of narcissistic people include: lack of empathy, grandiosity, a pressing need for control and validation, lack of boundaries, manipulative behavior, competitive nature, inconsistency, and exploitativeness. People who lean towards the NPD end of the narcissism spectrum struggle with accountability and can, therefore, come off as quite arrogant and difficult to have an honest and open discussion with. We often feel as though we need to choose our words carefully when speaking to them in order to avoid having the narrative flipped on us and being blamed for their actions.

The good news is, due to their frustrating qualities, many people have come up with some solid techniques on how to deal with narcissistic people. Here are 5 of the best tips to deal with narcissistic people in your life that I’ve gathered from both the internet and the book Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein (which I highly recommend!):

1.) Set Strong Boundaries - Be clear about behavior you will and will not tolerate. Stick to your boundaries and do not bend - be consistent. Avoid over-explaining yourself as this can lead to your words being twisted. If you have to, literally repeat the same boundary, in the same way, as many times as you need to this is called a "canned response." Do not waver. Most narcissitic people will grow bored and move on if you always respond the same way to them and don't give them what they want.

2.) Know Their History and Get Outside Verification - They talk the talk, but can they walk the walk? Narcissistic people often exaggerate their abilities and past achievements. Don't take their word for it. Carefully examine their track record and expect their future behavior to mirror their past. According to Bernstein narcissists "are quick to explain that this time, things will be different. They are slow to grasp how their own hang-ups ensure that everything will stay the same."

3.) Pay Attention to Their Actions, Not Their Words - The word to remember here is accountability. Narcissistic people might promise you the world, but do you ever actually receive it? A narcissistic co-worker might promise the BEST most exciting presentation you've ever seen, but when the day comes to present - is it as good as they hyped it up to be? A narcissistic friend might say they'll treat you to a fancy dinner at the hottest new restaurant, but do they actually get a reservation? And if they do, when the bill comes are you pulling out your credit card again? You get the idea.

4.) Ignore Tantrums - Recognize that tantrums are a form of manipulation. The idea is "if I'm unbearable enough, they'll cave and do what I want." It often works if we have empathy for the other person (or no tolerance for whining), but unfortunately, it also rewards their behavior and makes them more likely to tantrum again. Keep in mind, tantrums come in many forms - a tantrum might be filled with anger and yelling or full of self-loathing and deprecation - a "guilt tantrum" - both can be effective at getting a person what they want. Narcissistic people see all interactions as transactional, viewing you as a commodity. Once you realize this, it's a lot easier to be one step ahead of them.

5.) Limit Emotional Engagement - Narcissistic people may try to provoke emotional responses - that way they can easily pin you as "the crazy one" and feel more in control and powerful. Practice emotional detachment and avoid taking their words or actions personally. Consider using the "Gray Rock" technique which involves responding in an uninterested, detached, and disengaged way. If you give them nada, you soon become less of a target for their need for drama and control. They will move on and find someone else if you don't give them what they need. Remember their relational interactions are always transactional.

If you need more support in navigating relationships with narcissistic people or are recovering from narcissistic abuse (including the betrayal trauma that often accompanies it), I can help!

Check out my 6 Week Betrayal Trauma Recovery Package here.

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