The Magnetic Pull of Similar Wounds and Opposite Attachment Styles in Relationships

Have you ever met someone and felt an immediate pull toward them - before you even knew much about their story? It’s almost as if your body “knew” something about them without words. When this happens, many of my clients think it's "fate" or a sign they are meant to be with this person (maybe even a "past life" connection). However, for people with attachment wounds, this, sadly, isn't a sign of true, soul love, and it also isn’t just coincidence. It’s part of how our nervous systems and unconscious minds are wired.

The Pull of Familiarity

Attachment theory teaches us that the way we bonded with our early caregivers leaves an imprint on how we approach adult relationships. If love in your childhood felt inconsistent, unpredictable, or conditional, your system learned to adapt to that environment. Later in life, when you meet someone who evokes a similar energy, your body recognizes it. Even if it’s not healthy, it feels familiar. And our brains are wired to choose what’s familiar over what’s foreign - because familiarity feels safe, even when it’s painful.

Micro-Cues and Nervous System Scanning

We don’t just connect through words. From the moment we encounter someone, our nervous system is picking up on subtle cues: posture, eye contact, pacing of speech, even the rhythm of someone’s breathing.

• Anxiously attached individuals are often finely tuned to the micro-shifts that signal distance or disconnection.

• Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, often radiate a subtle but consistent emotional guardedness.

When these two styles meet, the anxious person senses the avoidant’s withholding and unconsciously leans in. The avoidant, accustomed to others’ pursuit, senses this intensity and instinctively pulls back. This dance creates a “magnetic” push-pull dynamic that feels electric at the beginning.

I use Internal Family Systems therapy to guide my clients to understand the attachment styles of their parts. Yes, each of your parts in your internal system can have their own attachment style. It's important to know which part is present when you feel a magnetic draw to another human. If it's your wounded 15 year old, we compassionately ask them to step back before they pick your next spouse! (Photo by Olive Thompson)

The Resonance of Shared Wounds

It isn’t only opposites that attract - sometimes, people with similar attachment wounds or histories of emotional neglect feel instantly bonded. There’s a silent recognition: “You understand my pain.” Our bodies can feel this resonance before our minds make sense of it. It can feel like being seen without having to explain ourselves, which is powerful and deeply validating.

Chemistry vs. Compatibility

One of the most important things to understand is that what we often call “chemistry” is frequently our attachment system being activated. The adrenaline rush, the obsessive thoughts, the highs and lows - these aren’t always signs of love. They are signs of old survival patterns reawakening.

This doesn’t mean attraction is bad or that people with attachment wounds shouldn’t trust their feelings. Instead, it means we can start to slow down and ask: Is this pull coming from my nervous system’s old programming, or from a genuine sense of safety, care, and respect?

Moving Toward Secure Connection

Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward healing. The more we work with our attachment patterns - through therapy, self-reflection, or intentional relationship practice - the more we can distinguish between the familiar spark of old wounds and the steady warmth of secure love.

✨ If you notice these patterns showing up in your own relationships, know that you’re not alone - and that awareness is already a sign of healing. Therapy can help you untangle old attachment patterns, work with your nervous system, and create space for relationships that feel safe, grounded, and nourishing. Click here to contact me and book a free 15 minute consultation.