Befriending the Inner Critic: Who Is This Mean Girl in My Brain? And How Do I Get Her to Be Nice to Me?
- Jan 14
- 3 min read
If you’re human, you have an inner critic. And although we all wish we could silence our inner critic, it actually does play a helpful role.
In Internal Family Systems therapy, we say “no bad parts.” This can be difficult to apply to a part that’s being super mean to us. But believe it or not, even your inner critic is trying to help.
To illustrate the positive intention of an inner critic, let’s look at our non-human—but often interacted-with—counterpart: ChatGPT.
AI is not human and does not have an inner critic, but that’s probably why it’s able to so confidently tell us the wrong answers. Ask ChatGPT how many r’s there are in strawberry and get ready to be gaslit. At the time of this blog, it insists there are two.
If ChatGPT did have an inner critic, that critic might say:
“Dude, you don’t know how to spell strawberry? Aren’t you supposed to know this stuff? Can’t you read? It clearly has three r’s. What’s wrong with you? This is embarrassing. Stop insisting you’re right and just learn that it has three. You’re being ridiculous and look really stupid.”
And then—instead of doubling down—ChatGPT might actually listen, learn, and change its answer the next time it’s asked.
That’s the role of the inner critic. Its harshness is meant to push us to see our mistakes, humble us, and pressure us to change.
This is how it works for humans, too.
Our inner critics criticize, judge, and speak harshly because they are trying to help us do better, be better. And you know what? It works. So they keep doing it.
But here’s the thing: many inner critics have been doing this since we were children.
They are parts that formed early in life. And although they can sound stern and authoritative, I’ll let you in on an interesting parts work truth—almost all parts are children.
When we realize our inner critic may be a child, teen, or even a toddler, it becomes easier to have compassion for them. They are doing the best they can with the tools they had at the time. In many cases, this is the only way they know how to help. They are actually trying to protect us.
And we can update them.
As adults, we now have more effective ways to protect ourselves and motivate change—ways that don’t rely on shame or leave us with low self-esteem and a dysregulated nervous system.
Here’s the irony: parts often attract the very thing they’re trying to avoid.
When inner critics become extreme, we often make more mistakes, not fewer. Anxiety and depression increase, our nervous system becomes dysregulated, and our ability to problem-solve goes down. We can gently show the inner critic that despite its efforts to help, it’s actually causing harm. This is one way to invite it to step back.
Inner critic work can be complex and triggering. Many people struggle to see the good in this part, and inner critics often resist letting the adult, wise Self take the lead.
If your inner critic feels like it’s running your life, I can help. I’m a licensed counselor in California, Colorado, and Kansas, and I specialize in Internal Family Systems therapy.
To make inner critic work more accessible, my colleague Meredith Berger and I created a digital journal—a 29-day guided journey to help you understand and heal your inner critic. The journal follows the phases of the moon, from new moon to full moon and back, mirroring the deepening insight that unfolds along the way.
✨ Moon Cycles for Inner Critic Healing ✨ is available as a free digital download when you subscribe to my email list. Click here subscribe!
The journal begins on the next new moon. We hope you—and your inner critic—will join us.
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